Monday, August 31, 2009

To school - forward, march!

Oh, I never knew that my kid's first day at school will be something I don't look forward to. He is all excited. Yep, usually it s the other way around, and yet, this is how it is in my family. And why? tuition. How the hell am I supposed to pay for his education? After vital bills I make next to nothing. Most of the time the food is rationed, I can only take vacation mostly payed by my father in law, like Vermont. But it says in Gemara Shabbos that Shabbos and educational expenses are returned by G-d and some more, so far I the more children I have the less money I make and REALLY stretching the dollar here. You see I had no College education (Rebbe said not to) before I got married, only after. Was making $650 per week, had a car and got married, so with each additional my earnings were steadily decreasing, now I am making $675 per two weeks and consider my self lucky, boy did I learn to stretch that dollar! Actually my wife, cause I'd spend it all. You know she can have her own show on how to manage "no money". The only problem is she is good but gets screamy with me, but that's because she loves me, however if she is shy enough to a stranger ask her on no money management advice.
So my blessings and promises of hassidishkeit are really coming true. In a way I am richer, I can afford slightly more with much less, but now I begin to feel the hit.
Well without college education and no connections to business people in our community, we don't even have parents who can help us even with baby sitting, so when I took on college, besides never having real time to help my wife, she also went to part time job with two babies to babysit someone else's child.
Rethinking my life what has gone wrong, and if anything... Well some people blame us for getting into this mess, but here is the deal: I was learning in ULY back when they had English, finished high school, and yes there was stigma attached to it, how could I, DG sends us all our earnings and Rebbe and Tanya said under no circumstances etc., OK that was my fault. Now I never went to college, although I wanted, but never went. As a bochur, you've being constantly told that family is wonderful, it only makes it easier to manage in life, just like a single person in the middle of the ocean tries to stay afloat, so married is the one that acquired a ship and has a ride on it in the ocean of life. Wonderfull miracle stories about Parnossa, at the last moment, another kid is an opportunity to have more money, stories about having asking for a kid = asking for more money. I remember hating my single life and waiting to get married, because it will resolve all my problems and will just have little ones growing and bringing Nachas to their parents. Tanya forbids anyone to learn any English even go to courses (especially for men) to learn any profession. You should go to Colel, at least for a year, your wife will come out of seminary and work and raise your children, only bums go to study something else, well according to Rebbe a child should not even know how to hold broom in his hands, for anything will lead him off the derech. Shlichus is the only purpose of Lubavitch life and no more.
The reality hit me, only after one best day of my life - when I proposed to my future wife, boy it fell so good! The moment we came to keren for helping bride and groom, it was quiet depressing to know horrendous cost of getting married, oh yeah and since Pesach was within 2 month - I without money got to get apartment and Chassanah in less then four weeks!!! (I know someone whose parents with money decided that the earliest their son can get married is on LAG B'OMER, though he was engaged two weeks earlier, since I was helped, I had to manage my fundraising in few weeks!!! You want to know why? Because the stupidity of our neighborhood Yentas interprets the Rebbe's words that somehow it is not Jewish to wait more than two months after engagement. Guess what? A miracle happened, I went through that with calm and even learned a new skill - if things get too stressful, just block the stress out as if nothing happened, ignore as much of it as you can and things will turn out to be OK.
But that was just the beginning - after swimming in ocean all by my self now imagine that , now that is what marriage does to you - you try to stay afloat alone and someone dumps five other cute and lovely people on top of you, and the only reason why you don't want to drown, is because you Love them so much, otherwise I would have drowned long ago (I don't care about my self, only my fmily). Since my wife finished seminary for Frum girls, to find the job that she was doing for Shliach for free i.e. working for cheap or next to nothing for the sake of shlichus in kindergarden, she found out that without Goyishe college diploma she will never get paid a real deal of money, hey that's her fault! Disgusting, and she actually took the hassidishe yentas seriously! How dare she, So she went mostly babysitting, but since Colel check is only enough is only good enough for snacks and kiddy allowences, I had to work at group home, my pay was raised twice, but since that group home likes to revamp its' staff after couple of pay raises, so I was revamped too As one of the caseworkers told me they have no problem substituting the staff because there is huge spool of Frum people on the waiting list. Right before holidays, when my wife was pregnant, I found another group home (what else am I to do, most of the good paying jobs are with a degree), I must tell you it is a blessing to be in Crown Heights - you can take most of the physically demanding jobs sometimes could be given to Jew.
I remember once because the only Shomer Shabbos Simchah halls in Borough Park rejected me from being a waiter or dishwasher because (even before I was married) ... how would it look like if Yeshiva bochur will be seen by the visitors doing a work for shvartza! Oh really! My beard and yarmalka are no good for Borogh Park, I should have taken it off. CH is the only place that I've seen many employees from yeshiva world and they have beards!
The only problem that even Jewish employees are not making enough most of the time, unless hey still bochurim paying for one room and not the apartment.
When I went to apply for my job with my degree in Rabbinical Copllege, to schools I was promptly rejected (that was also before I was married), except Williamsburg and CH due to absense of Goyishe College education. I also went to computer courses, but the timing was bad, yeah that was a waste of my time and money - believe me when I say that, it was right before 2001 and my job search went down hill from there, I did not have enough experience, it was a bad time to start a career from scratch they would let me volunteer or intern if I had a college degree. By the way this was the only Goyishe education that I've got, before married, as I was told that G-d does not give me parnossa because I am not married yet, another problem was my sleepless nights from extreme case of ulcer, I suffered from it for more than 5 years sometimes rolling in pain at night, or throwing up from gastritis, but that's a whole another story, I was finally operated, medicated and taken care of most of it, so I feel better. I went back to teaching to probably the only Yeshiva in CH that Teaches Goyishe subjects, because though my college days only began after marriage I had a passion for certain Goyishe subject that I read tones of college literature about, mostly in bedroom or bathroom, I was surprised that when I went to college, I found my lectures more sophisticated and insightful than most of the introductory courses to that subject. Yes I can proudly say that my bathroom and the lack of knowledge of how high or low college lectures went, I found out that my students had higher level of information and my lesson plans were more advanced than some of those lectures!
Well when my students ask me how I learned so much about that subject I don't tell. Hey, miracles do happen, right?
I took two subjects seriously - but lectures from nursing went so complicated, that I wish I'd only had enough time to study, I had to leave due to my wife's complications of pregnancy, well she could not move with one and doctors began to scare us with our fourth one! You think it was hard for me? we have four kids in five years and she did not sleep at night with older three, take one, then two kids and schlep them from one end of CH to another, than go to job, pay for play group, and since we don't have a car, imagine if it rains, or snows, or hot, etc. And she has complicated pregnancy with fourth one, then not sleeping with a fourth one as well. Where was I? In college, then part time in yeshiva, then I was lucky to find my next group home as overnight.
But miracles happen, right? I lasted as long as I lasted, until I withdrew from one of the clinical courses because it was unbearable. When reenlisted, I was put on waiting list under number 200? something, and if out of 900 students with 150 seats available for nursing would ever be empty, so may be they will let me in (LOL!). My life as a nightmare four nearly two years and to what purpose? I could not even attend to my doctor, my ulcer went nuts again and this is what I get in return? Nothing?
Anyways, since I had all four children, our supreme Provider Blessed be he, got me lesser paycheck, because, while I was already working on different (useless lib arts LOL) degree I had to look for my final group home part time! But miracles do happen, right?
At least I can come back to Yeshiva where I teach Goyishe subject, and work 3-4 knights a week all for that little money, with only one exception - tuition first for the oldest boy $7000 a year, then $14,000 for two oldest, and finally seven times four is ... $28,000 out of my $28,000 income per year ... lets see ... miracles do happen ... right? Can my wife manage manage life for free? Hey, honey I can even let you scream about it every single day!


  1. You are seriously dashing the hopes of all the younguns out there who had dreams of getting married.

    You mean its NOT all sweet and rosy up there on the hill?

    I'm sorry to hear about your life. You seem to be dealing with it as best as you can. But I can imagine its not easy.

  2. Well as we say it it is a binyan adei ad, did you ever think about its' meaning? Marriage is building for as long as you live. It by no means mean that must be fun and shiny, it depends on what you make of - each individual situation, and the process of making is forever!
    My blog is a two way road, just as my life, I did have miracles, by the end of the day just as you noted, I and Ziss manage it.
    But think about it this way - it says that a married person is the one who can be really happy. did our sages feed us lies?
    Lets examine it.
    (the answer is sensitive, so don't read it if it sends wrong message to you)
    Today, we confuse love with looks, but is it really? There are many beautiful women out there, and who says that we don't see more model like girls after we get married? And are to say that you are not going to see other nice guys after the wedding day? No.
    And if someone looks nice, does that mean you don't love your spouse anymore? No.
    So what is love and what makes it a worthwhile to pass other nice looking guys or for me gals for the woman that I love in a post marriage world?
    The answer is if I got sick is that beauty going to walk on me? Will she even care if I die or live? Is she stable mentally or not? How good is she with kids and family? And most important question: After we become old, will we try to toss each other to the street or give each other a helping hand? BELIEVE when I say :ETC., ETC.
    Now, when you get married, on the wedding day, you know what you'll be thinking about? How nice is he how nice I am - impressed with looks and rosy hopes, but do you really know what kind of guy you married, and if yes, how?
    As you see from my real life story, that miracles do happen. But lets say that there are no problems to overcome and nothing is bothering you, how would you know that you married the right guy? Is he mentally stable? Does he take everything well?
    Well it depends on what kind of trouble you're going through, that is how you know, what kind of cat have you bought in a sack, and every time you make the situation and not break it, you build a bond between yourselves, you know what kind of mental state your spouse is and what he can do, otherwise, how would you?

  3. Love sucks, life sucks, marriage sucks. Ir's one big sucky world.

    And you think I want to get married...

  4. Well, I can only explain this tomorrow, on my blog as a new post, it is an interesting subject and needs to be discussed

  5. An interesting subject? That everything sucks? Ok go for it.

  6. I am not following how you went from making $650/wk to $675 every two weeks...

  7. simple - I went from one job to another and the last one is less than 40 hours per week working for less$ per hour